Never let the light go out.
In the deepest, darkest, depths of my addictions, when I was scrounging for the next fix,
leaching off every loved one, every friend, I always held onto hope. Hope that someday,
somehow my life would change for the better. Hope that I won’t always be this horrible person.
Hope that I may finally make my mother proud.
Hope for me is a candle. A candle deep within my soul. When I was still using, the flame of the candle was a tiny spark, fading away with each use. Each time I did another act of disease-driven evil, the spark went darker, and darker; but it was always there.
Eventually, after getting clean, the light of hope within me began to grow. Seeing the
miracle of recovery all around me, seeing the newcomer who is struggling to get a day clean;
overcome that struggle and turn that day into a month. Seeing the love and compassion of
people who truly care, get through the daily struggle of life with a selfless smile upon their face.
Seeing the blessing of life be awarded to the people who never thought they deserved it. The
miracle of life is flourishing around me. With each passing day, my flame grows brighter, and
hotter. I can pass the hope on now, as it was so freely given to me.
Recovery has rewarded me with a light that will never go out. As long as I continue to
strive to be the best person I can be. As long as I continue to help the next person who needs it.
As long as I love unconditionally, like those before me loved me. I will never let my light go out.
The fear, shame, guilt, pain, resentment, selfishness, and death that ultimately comes when the
light goes out isn’t worth the beautiful life that has been given to me.
With each passing day I’ve learned that gratitude and appreciation will help my flame
grow. If you are struggling in the depths of active addiction, I urge you to dig deep. Find that
spark. Know that someone out there loves you. Someone out there needs you. Feed the flame.
Find recovery. It will grow in the most unexpected ways; but I can promise you this, When you
find that spark, and hold it tight you will never be disappointed.
–written by a recovered addict
